The Upbringing of Children
Introduction
The
following sources were used: "The Religious upbringing of Children," by
Archpriest Sergey Schukin; "The Orthodox Upbringing of Children in Our
Days," by Bishop Gregory Grabbe; and other Orthodox articles.
All aspects of a man's life - his character, sense
of responsibility, good and bad habits, ability to cope with
difficulties, and his piety - are shaped primarily during his
childhood. The bright memories of his childhood can strengthen and warm
a man during trying times, and, contrarily, those who have not had a
happy childhood can in no way remake it. When we meet an orphan who has
never had parental affection, or a step-son or step-daughter whose
broken spirits are a result of difficulties at home, or those left to
the care of strangers, we can sense in them the imprint of painful
early impressions.
The absence of a religious upbringing unfailingly
manifests itself in a person's character - a sort of fissure can be
perceived in his spiritual makeup. A child is extraordinarily receptive
to religious impressions. He is instinctively drawn toward everything
that opens up the beauty and meaning of life. Take this away from him
and his soul will become dulled and he will feel lonely in an
unfriendly and cruel world. Something similar happens with the physical
appearance of a child. If he lives in dismal, damp surroundings, he
will grow underdeveloped, ailing and without joy. In both cases of
malady, physical or spiritual, the fault lies with the parents. On the
other hand, when we consider prominent and successful people, people of
great integrity and energy, we see that the majority of them came from
large, hard-working families, brought up in religious traditions.
It may happen that in someone's later life immoral
behavior may weaken the faith in God that a person acquired in
childhood. He starts neglecting religion and the salvation of his soul
without any apparent hope of recovery, but God will not abandon a
person who carries the seeds of goodness deep in his heart. When
something frightening befalls him, he begins to recognize his
limitations and helplessness and starts to reflect on the purpose of
his life. Long forgotten impressions and instructions revive within
him, and the grace of God again touches his soul. This helps him to
come back to God. Thus, the hallowed memories of childhood become very
helpful. This is why it is so important for parents to make every
effort to lay a spiritual foundation in their children. When they are
adults, they will appreciate their parents' efforts.
In this pamphlet we will discuss the aim of a
Christian upbringing and its main components. We will explain the
importance of the family, of the church and of parochial school, and we
will discuss some difficulties and errors in bringing up children.
Upbringing and the scholastic education
A Christian upbringing lays a moral and spiritual foundation in
a child, while a scholastic education aims at developing his mental
abilities. These are two different activities. There is no reason to
think that scholastic education automatically facilitates the moral
development of a child. Some people may be very educated but ill-bred
and unspiritual. On the other hand, totally uneducated peasants can be
highly spiritual and moral people.
Any upbringing, either within the family or the
school, can only pursue temporary aims related to the needs of the
family and society when divorced from religion. For instance, the aim
of education in totalitarian countries is to make a person an obedient
instrument of the government. In contemporary public schools in the USA
and many other countries, the object of education is not a person's
highest welfare or his spiritual integrity, but the material needs of
the government and community. An Orthodox religious upbringing, on the
other hand, is concerned with the moral development of the soul and is
guided by eternal spiritual principles. Here the content does not change with political trends or new sociological ideas but is founded on Divine revelation. Parents should direct their child not according to fashion or society's needs but according to the Word of God.
The aim of a Christian upbringing
A
Christian upbringing aims to give children proper spiritual direction,
so that they will be able to withstand temptations and become good and
religious people. For this, they should not only learn rules of
behavior but also develop integrity and a clear distinction between right and wrong.
This goal of Christian upbringing is revealed in the prayers of the
sacrament of Baptism. The priest reads the following words, among
others: "O Master, Lord our God, call Thy servant (name) to Thy Holy
illumination ... Put off from him the old man, and renew him
unto life everlasting ... That he may be no more a child of the body,
but a child of Thy Kingdom." During Baptism, a person undergoes an
important and substantial inner transformation: he dies to sin and is
reborn spiritually. Here he receives all the tools for inner growth -
the power to love God and to love everything that is good. These
qualities liken him to the Incarnate Son of God Himself, as is sung
during the procession around the baptismal font: "As many as have been
baptized into Christ, have put on Christ" (from the epistle to the
Galatians). The seed of the Holy Spirit is implanted; from now on, the
responsibility for strengthening it and making it grow passes to the
parents and god-parents.
Since our nature is two-fold, consisting of body and soul, every child needs not only physical but also spiritual nurturing.
If the parents only nurture the child physically, while neglecting him
spiritually, he will grow up a "child of nature" and a slave of carnal
desires. St. John Chrysostom says the following about this: "To educate
the hearts of children in goodness and virtuousness is the sacred duty
of parents. The violation of this duty makes them guilty of spiritual
infanticide ... There are parents who spare no efforts to make their
children happy and wealthy; but for their children to be good
Christians - for such matters the parents have little need. This is a
terrible shortsightedness! This is the very reason for the problems
from which society groans ... If the fathers strove to give their
children a good upbringing, there would be no need for laws, or courts,
or punishments. Prisons and executioners are necessary due to the lack
of morality."
The Gospel teaches that the principal thing in a man's life is the proper state of his heart.
One should understand "heart" as the center of one's spiritual life,
wherein all the feelings and desires are concentrated. Here is the
location of the origin of a person's behavior and moral attitude. If,
according to the Savior's words, "out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries..." (Matt.
15:19), then it should become evident that the main task of rearing a
child is to give a proper direction to his heart. Because temptations
are unavoidable, it is important to educate a child to distinguish
unambiguously between right and wrong, to choose virtue and to despise
immorality. Parents should nurture in their child a deep love of God
from a very early age, before he loses his sensitivity and
receptiveness.
When should the upbringing begin?
There
are differing opinions regarding the best age to begin the spiritual
upbringing of a child. Some parents think that in the first several
years a child needs only external care, and consider him like some
amusing kitten, unreceptive to spiritual influence. Such an opinion
contradicts Christian teaching and experimental evidence. Psychology
has established that a child is receptive to many external influences
right after his birth. A certain scholar compared the subconscious
process of a child to that of a movie strip, which records all
perceptions non-stop. A child may as yet lie in the crib, but his soul
already amasses impressions, picks up sounds, follows movements around
him with his eyes, discerns voice intonations and even the mood of his
parents. From all these non-stop impressions the child's personality is
formed, and after they sink into his subconscious, they cannot be
blotted out by any means.
Besides, modern psychology has established that the
impressions of early childhood play a decisive role in the subsequent
development of men. For instance, some bad habits and infirmities in
adults can be traced to negative impressions from early childhood. That
is why parents should give the greatest care to the early impressions
of their infant. Right from birth they should begin to develop not only
the body but the child's soul as well.
This is precisely what our faith teaches us also.
In the Gospel we read that when some children were carried to Jesus,
the disciples forbade the parents to approach, not wanting to disturb
their Master. Seeing this, Jesus became indignant and said to the
Apostles: "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid
them not: for of such is the Kingdom of God.' And embracing the
children, He placed His hands on them and blessed them" (Mark
10:13-16). Take note that these children were not led to Christ but
were carried to Him, which means that they were too little to walk by
themselves. The disciples did not permit such little ones near Christ,
thinking, as many contemporary parents do, that infants are unable to
assimilate spiritual things. How did the Savior react to this? He
became indignant. We know that the merciful Christ became indignant
only when truth was suppressed by delusion; for instance, at the
hypocrisy of the Pharisees, the desecration of the temple by the money
changers, etc. That is why He said to the disciples: "Suffer the little children to come unto me...for of such is the Kingdom of Heaven." It turns out that children are more receptive to goodness and Divine grace than adults. They instinctively strive toward God.
Following the instructions of Jesus Christ and His
Apostles, the Church teaches that a religious upbringing should begin
at the earliest age. The Church's wisdom and experience in connection
with the upbringing of children is reflected in its services and
customs. From his very birth, the Orthodox Church welcomes a child with
several prayers: on the first day (the day of his birth), on the eighth
(at the selection of his name), and on the fortieth (his introduction
into the temple). These prayers contain petitions for the child's
physical and spiritual well-being and for his sanctification by Divine
grace. Following Baptism, the church prescribes bringing the child to
the temple and taking him to Communion as often as possible, having him
kiss the Cross and the Holy icons and drink Holy water. All these would
be in vain if children were unreceptive to spiritual impressions.
Thus, the most proper time for the enlightenment of
the soul is early childhood. In fact, the ethical foundation of a
person is laid during this period. The soul of a child, until six to
seven years of age, resembles clay, from which one can mold his
personality. After that age, the main characteristics have been
established, and it is almost impossible to change them. A mother does
the right thing when she brings her child to the icons, when she
blesses him with the sign of the cross, when, overcoming her tiredness,
she holds him in her arms during church services, and when she prays
over his crib. With all of these actions she prepares him to be a good
Christian.
The struggle with bad inclinations
Parents
make a mistake when they consider their child to be completely free
from evil. Experience shows that a child comes into the world not only
with good tendencies but with bad ones also. Science calls them
inheritances, and the Church, the seeds of original sin. Everyone is
born with his nature partially corrupted by sin. That is why the
education of a child should include some basic training on how to
struggle against bad inclinations. Without this, the child will grow
unarmed against temptations. When a child is abandoned to his own
desires, then, no matter how talented he might be, his good qualities
may become completely overwhelmed by his evil inclinations.
Every child bears some resemblance to his parents
and relatives. Together with their physical characteristics, he assumes
some of their spiritual qualities as well, which in general are a
mixture of good and bad. The problem is that the bad predispositions
often develop and strengthen much faster than the good ones. For
example, in the herbaceous world, weeds are more robust and aggressive
than garden and vegetable plants. In order to grow something
worthwhile, one must constantly fight weeds.
Observing a child carefully, one can notice in him
some germinating negative characteristics: occasionally he is
capricious, or becomes angry, or may insist on doing something
forbidden. At an early age children become lazy, are prone to slyness
and deceit, and manifest greed and cruelty toward other children. At
five years of age one can already see hints of his future character. If
the parents do not teach him to overcome his bad inclinations, these
may grow into passions and vices. Sometimes parents occasionally lament
about their children: "Where does he get such stubbornness,
capriciousness, and inclinations toward the forbidden? He does not see
any of this in us." Actually, there is no need to teach a child evil -
it is already rooted in him. A mother observing her child said, "He
clearly manifests the negative characteristics of his father."
Unfortunately, the good qualities are acquired with effort and
constancy, while their opposites, as weeds, flourish on their own.
Young parents tend to underestimate these "weeds,"
considering them mere signs of immaturity: "Let him grow a little, and
he will realize by himself what is good and what is wrong." Hoping that
this will happen automatically, they leave his bad inclinations
unattended and fail to teach him how to struggle with them. Some
parents prefer to appease every capricious inclination of the child,
adopting the attitude: "Anything for a quiet life!" Psychology and
religion, on the other hand, teach that it is better to nip any
manifestation of evil at its root before it takes hold. Failing to do
so will allow it to become a habit. Afterwards parents will bitterly
repent that because of undue mildness, they failed to discipline their
child. St. John of Kronstadt writes the following: "Parents and
educators, guard your children against capriciousness. Otherwise, they
will infect their hearts with malice, losing their early holy love, and
will bitterly complain at reaching adulthood that in their youth they
were indulged in their whims. A whim is a germ which corrupts the
heart."
A child should always know what is permissible and what is not. Sensible prohibitions and light punishments are absolutely necessary.
On understanding that the violation of imposed rules results in
unpleasant consequences, the child will avoid the forbidden. Thus a
healthy foundation will be laid in him, and his will, which is just
beginning to form, will be prepared to submit to God-established moral
laws.
The spiritual foundation
By nature, children are gentle, compassionate and sincere. These valuable qualities are as yet weak in them and have to be directed and strengthened.
While the child grows, parents should strengthen in him a disposition
to struggle automatically against any temptation as soon as it appears.
Fortunately, every human being possesses a wonderful quality known as conscience.
The task for parents is to develop and strengthen in their child a
discerning conscience and to accustom him to listening to its voice.
This task should be approached not abstractly, but from the religious
standpoint, i.e., referring to God, whom we should love and obey. We
are all responsible before him for our actions. Without such a
religious foundation, an upbringing will be shaky and unconvincing.
Some think that the notions of God, of good and
evil, etc., are too abstract and complicated for a child. Nevertheless,
experience shows that, at three to four years of age, these concepts
are accessible to a child when they are presented to him with visual support
such as a holy pictures, the sign of the cross, simple prayers,
religious music, and so forth. The pure child's soul associates these
first religious impressions with the voice of conscience, and thus a
simple and healthy piety is formed within him. For those who would
question the reality of childhood piety, we note that faith in God is
an inborn human quality. Therefore, it is available to all, regardless
of their age or mental development. The lowliest uneducated man as well
as the highest scholar are both capable of believing in God. Each
person comprehends and experiences the faith to his degree of
development.
Because the Christian faith is so natural to human
nature, it can be successfully rooted in little children, and their
upbringing can be built upon it. One can only be amazed at how easily and deeply children accept faith in God and what a beneficial influence
it has on them. Faith in God not only helps a child to fight bad
inclinations, but it also helps him to understand many fundamental
questions which are inexplicable in human terms regarding the nature of
good and evil, the appearance of the world, the aim of life, etc. The
main point is that faith in God is the key to the development of all
the positive qualities in a child - piety, love, compassion,
sensitivity, repentance and the wish to improve.
Every parent from his own experience may be
convinced that the notion of God provides him with a powerful tool for
the rearing of children. When we speak of God as the origin of every
goodness and the Supreme Judge of mankind, we bring true notions of
right and wrong into a child's consciousness. We do this not with
formal rules, but by helping him to perceive the Living Person
Who stands over the world, and before Whom we all are accountable. This
Supreme Being draws us toward good and repels us from all that is
perishable. Thus a child recognizes sin as something shameful, harmful
and subject to punishment. This notion of sin is not totally alien to a
child because the feeling of fault, shame, and an elementary
distinguishing between right and wrong is part of his nature. The
Christian faith only clarifies and strengthens in him these deeply
rooted notions.
The concept of right and wrong opens to the child the path of moral choice and an awareness of his responsibility
before God. Now the child becomes aware that his bad actions not only
transgress the requests of his parents but also the order established
by God. He may be punished for his sins not only by them but also by
his Heavenly Father. Furthermore, all spiritual and material welfare
comes to him not only from human efforts, but also from the Lord Who
provides for us. Holy Scripture designates such a spiritual state as
the "fear of God" and teaches that it is the beginning of wisdom (Prov. 9:10).
The expression "fear of God" requires some
explanation. It is far from that primitive fear which savages
experience before the raging forces of nature. In accordance with the
Gospel, our relationship with God must be expressed in filial love, and
true love never pains its subject. For instance, a good son obeys his
father not because he fears punishment, but out of love for him and
unwillingness to distress him. Likewise, in the Christian faith,
"God-fearing" is linked with the thought of God the Father, whom we do
not wish to offend. Hence, "fear of God" is a disposition to venerate
God and is a healthy feeling which should be experienced by every
Christian. Religious upbringing demands the incorporation of this
feeling into a child from the earliest age.
Domestic aspects
As
mentioned above, while a child is small, he assimilates preeminently
through his feelings. His will and intellect have yet to develop,
together with his physical growth. Because an individual lives mainly
by impulses and desires in the early stage of his development, it is
important not to burden a child with moral admonitions and logical
proofs. Upbringing begins with obedience, and the sooner a
child becomes used to following the parent's requests, the easier it
will become later to instruct him. At first, some interdictions are
necessary, like: "Don't do that ... You must not act like that ... This
is good." As the child grows, positive direction and instruction should
follow as well. Here some difficulties may arise, since words alone are
not always sufficient to inculcate in a child the rules of conduct.
Occasionally, one may meet with stubbornness and refusal. In order to
overcome this, parents sometimes might have to resort to stronger
actions.
There are two approaches: physical punishment and
religious influence. Of course punishment is sometimes indispensable,
but if it is applied too frequently, it may bring negative results. The
child gets used to performing his duties "by the rod" and does not
learn to follow his own good intentions. Besides, frequent punishment
tends to make the child irate, secretive and distrustful, and leaves a
painful imprint on his character.
A religious upbringing gives more successful
results. There is almost no need to resort to corporal punishment when
parents impress upon the child not their own rules, but those demanded by the Lord.
A Christian mother may say to her child: "Don't do that - the Good Lord
does not like that ... This is not allowed - the Good Lord does not
allow that." Or: "If you do this that way - God will punish you!" And
if a child hurts himself because of his disobedience (like burning his
finger), the mother may say: "See, God punished you because you
disobeyed Him."
Thus, step by step, the parents inculcate in their child the feeling of dependence on God.
If he does something forbidden secretly, they can tell him: "Don't
think that the Good Lord cannot see what you are doing while I'm away!
God sees everything," - and while saying this they point to the Holy
icon in the corner. One youngster wanted to steal some candy from the
sideboard; he climbed up and turned the icon towards the wall "so the
Good Lord would not see," and his mother explained to him that God is
everywhere and that it is impossible to hide from him.
It is not only prohibitions that should be admonished on religious grounds. Most importantly, positive requests
to a child should be based on Divine authority. It must be explained to
him that God is our Creator, the Source of life and happiness, and that
He will help him to succeed in good actions. The child must understand
that he can attain nothing without God's help, and that the main tool for obtaining God's help is prayer.
Besides, it is necessary to teach the child to thank God for everything
he has - life, health, food, happiness, for all material and spiritual
things - and also to pray for his parents. From the earliest age the
child should perceive God as his Heavenly Father, Who loves him and
cares about his well-being. For instance, when a child stays home alone
or is among strangers, the mother may console him: "You are not alone,
the Good Lord always watches over you." Also it is beneficial to
explain to the child about the Guardian Angel, who accompanies and
protects him. This will free him from the fear of darkness and being
alone. To love God with the whole heart should be the ultimate goal of
upbringing.
In order that these instructions not remain abstract, they must be reinforced with vivid illustrations and specific actions,
like making the sign of the cross, attending services in Church,
kissing icons, lighting candles, looking at biblical illustrations,
common familial prayer, drinking Holy water, receiving Holy Communion,
bowing the head, etc. Thus the child becomes habituated to following
religious rules, and his will becomes used to submissiveness to the
supreme will of the Creator. As the child develops, parents must direct
his actions toward strengthening in him Christian piety. Its main
characteristics are sincere faith, truthfulness, modesty, kindness,
diligence, steadfastness, readiness to forgive, etc. If one adds to
that the habit of the observance of important fasting periods and holy
days, then there will be established for the child a favorable
environment, which will make unnecessary any physical punishment.
If we compare this method of upbringing to others
that exclude the Christian faith, we see that some parents resort to
shouting, beatings, tedious lecturing, etc. This, of course, fails to
elevate the child's feelings. At the opposite extreme, there are
parents who favor undisciplined and capricious behavior, which promotes
all sorts of passions and bad habits. Both of these approaches can but
only cripple a child. Is it not because of such diversity in upbringing
that children differ so drastically in their characters: some are
gentle, trusting, sensitive to all good and compassionate; others, on
the contrary, are peevish, distrustful, heartless and capricious? A
purely worldly upbringing robs the child of the most precious and
highest human qualities.
Certainly, in an upbringing, the greatest influence comes not from words alone but from personal example.
The behavior of those close to a child has the greatest influence on
him. Children come into contact with two groups of people: with their
own family and with outsiders - schoolmates, friends and neighbors.
While parents may do their best to give a good example to their child,
schoolmates and neighbors often influence him negatively. That does not
mean that he should be isolated from people, because this would deprive
him of the necessary preparation for life. Rather, parents should make
sure that their child meets with good friends, attuned to Christianity,
and that the influence of the family predominates. Here we summarize
the main qualities that Christian parents should possess:
1) love of God above all,
2) love of their children in the Christian sense,
3) fairness to them and
4) consistency in their actions.
It is heartwarming to see how young couples, while
striving to raise their children, pull themselves up, educate
themselves and become better Christians. So it happens that not only
the parents bring up their children, but the children educate their
parents as well. It is desirable that both parents belong to the same
Church. In the case of a mixed marriage, an agreement should be made
between the couple (preferably prior to the wedding) that their
children will be baptized and brought up in the Orthodox Church.
Divergence of opinion regarding faith, and especially quarrels between
parents, cause a rift in a child's consciousness and causes great harm.
Besides, when parents criticize or abase each other in the presence of
the children, they undermine their authority.
In general, parents should be very careful about
what they say in the presence of a child. Some may think that the child
is too small to understand. But not being able to discern most of the
details, the child nevertheless grasps the main direction and moral
value of the discussion, and this can leave an unfavorable impression
in his subconscious. This can later evoke some questions on his part
that the parents will be unable to explain and raise doubts difficult
to dispel. It is best to completely avoid mentioning some problematical
subjects in the presence of children and also to avoid mocking others
or showing disrespect to things which should be regarded as sacred. "Woe unto him, who shall seduce one of these little ones," said Christ, "it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea" (Matt. 18:6).
Coercion
In
some countries the theory of a "liberal upbringing" of children has
gained popularity. This theory rejects all constraint and punishment
and insists that a child must be left to himself so that he may freely
express and develop his individuality. Can a Christian embrace such an
approach to upbringing? Hardly, if he accepts what the Bible teaches
concerning original sin and the corruption of human nature. Scripture
unambiguously teaches that "the thoughts of man's heart are evil from his youth"
(Gen 8:21). Without spiritual guidance a child will learn to pursue
only his egotistical interests and to reject any moral obligations.
With time his conscience will become completely indifferent to the
means of reaching the desired goal.
The Church, on the other hand, teaches that a child
from a very early age must learn to discern between what is allowed and
what is forbidden. The parents must guide their child's actions so as
to prepare him for an independent life based on spiritual and moral
values. This guidance should begin as early as possible. At 10 to 12
years of age, it may be too late to correct shortcomings already
acquired. In order to recognize the importance of constraint in
upbringing, one should consider the following: (1) A child's mind is
not fully developed to understand unmistakably in all circumstances
what is right and what is wrong. (2) Even when he understands, his will
is too weak to withstand all temptations and to direct his actions
toward good but difficult tasks. (3) A child becomes used to being
responsible when he is asked to perform feasible things. (4) A sensible
and moderate combination of guidance with punishment imprints on a
child's character a sense of moral responsibility and good habits.
Punishments that are not so much direct and
corporal but are indirect and yet no less effective include: leaving
meals without dessert, depriving him for a time of the usual games and
TV, denying visits of friends and other pleasures, performing
additional tasks, etc. One way or another, when words are found to be
insufficient, one must exert influence on a child with a more
productive method. (The saying, "Waste not words, when authority is
required!" from Krylov's fable, "The Cat and the Cook.") Since every
child is born not only with good, but also with bad predispositions,
one must struggle with the latter from the very beginning. What kind of
struggle can take place without restrictions and punishments? Remember
your own childhood, and you will be convinced that knowledge and good
habits did not come automatically but were obtained with struggle,
persistence and sometimes with tears. St. Paul says: "No chastening
seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless,
afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who
have been trained by it" (Heb. 12:11). Hence, let too sentimental parents not be afraid to cause grief to their children when the situation demands it.
The significance
of the Temple
Because
the primary objective of the Church is to lead people towards faith and
righteousness, the temple with its services and educational means can
be a big help to parents in bringing up their children. Amidst
surroundings of wantonness and disbelief, the temple stands as a
spiritual lighthouse, an island of sanctity for adults and the young.
Its setting and its divine services have a special beneficial influence
on a child. The candles, the icons and frescoes, the smell of incense,
the singing of the choir, the sound of church bells - all leave bright
impressions on a young soul. When parents bring their child to church
often, he becomes used to it and learns to love its inspiring services.
The Orthodox faith is rich in feast days,
magnificent services and noble customs, which produce a steadfast
influence on Christians. Bring to mind Palm Sunday, Passion Week and
the procession with the Holy Shroud, the Easter service (which no one
celebrates as joyously as the Orthodox), our blessing of the waters on
Epiphany, the celebration of the Holy Trinity with its abundance of
flowers and greenery, the bringing forth of the Holy Cross, the
blessing of the fruits of the harvest on the feast of the
Transfiguration ... what a rich nourishment for the child's soul! For
their children's sake, parents should make no excuses to skip church
services.
The house of an Orthodox family is supposed to
complement the holy environment of the temple. Of particular
significance are common prayers, the beautiful corner with its holy
images and glowing lamp, the first meal after Lent, memorial days, the
blessing of homes and other religious celebrations. Because the
religious upbringing of a child is attained not so much by means of the
intellect as through feelings, children who attend church services and
participate in family prayer become like a ploughed up field, receptive
to the seeds of goodness, which in due time will bear fruit.
The first Confession at the age of seven comes as
an important milestone in the life of a youngster. After Confession a
person becomes as holy and chaste as after Baptism. It is vital that
parents have taught their children by this age to note their
shortcomings and to repent sincerely in what they have said or done
wrong. His first Confession indicates to a youngster that he is
becoming mature enough to begin consciously to strengthen his faith and
to take responsibility for his actions. Formerly the sacrament of
Communion nourished him through the parental faith. Now he approaches
the Holy Chalice with personal conviction. So, the preparation of a
youngster for the proper partaking of his first Confession and first
conscious Communion is a major accomplishment in the spiritual
development of a child.
Starting from this age, or perhaps a little later,
boys may begin to serve as altar boys, and girls to sing in the church
choir or to assist in removing candle stubs in front of icons. This
will accustom them to participation in divine services. Active
involvement in the Liturgy and close contact with the priest draws a
sensitive child toward the Church and toward spiritual life. This will
broaden his horizons to understand that his earthly life is only the
first step in his existence and that it has an important purpose.
The parish school
Public
schools are often unable to stand against the ungodly and corrupting
influences in society or to prepare children to choose properly between
right and wrong. There are many internal and external factors that push
the family toward disintegration and society toward moral decline.
Noteworthy among these factors are the media and the movie industry,
which swamp children with low-grade movies saturated with scenes of
violence and sex.
To counterbalance the materialistic and
antichristian environment which surrounds children, the parish school
should give the children religious knowledge, which strengthens their
faith and teaches them a proper way of life, including the means to
resist temptations and to become true Christians. The purpose of the
parish school is to deepen and enhance the religious fundamentals
acquired at home. During catechism lessons, children systematically
receive important knowledge: they memorize prayers, become familiarized
with the sacred history of the Old and New Testament, and study the
foundation of the Orthodox faith, the commandments of God and the
content of the divine services. In the senior classes, we are behooved
to familiarize the students with the particulars of heterodox
denominations and with the proper approach to contemporary moral
problems.
The parish school assists the family in the matter
of religious upbringing, and the parent's care of course goes much
further than the school's. The school gives theoretical religious
knowledge, while the application of this knowledge is achieved
within the family. Without a Christian atmosphere at home, all the
information received at school will remain a theory that children will
forget in the course of their years.
In conclusion one must note that neither the
family, nor the school, nor the Church, can independently bring up a
child. This is feasible only by a combined effort of these
institutions. That is why the more there is interaction and mutual
assistance among them, the more successful the upbringing of the
children will be in their care.
Family structure
The
Orthodox church always regarded the family as the main source of the
Christian enlightenment of children. The Apostles used to call the
family the "domestic church" and taught spouses to strive conjointly for a spiritual life.
To bring a Christian environment to the house, all
members of the family should pray together. The best times for this are
mornings and evenings. When possible, they should pray before and after
meals. Combined prayer joins and strengthens the family. On Sundays all
must attend church, observing the fourth commandment: "Remember the
Sabbath day [day of rest], to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor
and do all your work, but the seventh day is the day of the Lord your
God" (Exod. 20:8). Giving us six days of the week, God kept one for
Himself, but those Christians who devote the seventh day for
themselves, "rob" the Lord of what belongs to Him and break their
covenant with Him.
Discussions of spiritual topics and the reading of
the Holy Scriptures, as well as the lives of the Saints and other
edifying books, have a beneficial effect on the whole family and create
a conciliatory atmosphere in the house. One cannot disdain the
fast-days, which are periods set by the Church for the development of
self discipline and religious firmness. The Lord Jesus Christ, as well
as His disciples and the first Christians, all fasted on certain days.
For instance, from the first century of Christianity, it became the
norm to fast twice a week: on Wednesdays and Fridays. At that time the
Great Fast, also know as Lent, was established for the period prior to
Easter.
In the absence of a parish school, the job of
catechismal instruction falls on the parents. It is certainly very
helpful to this end that the children get used to reading a children's
Bible and other religious books on their own. Later they retell to the
parents what they have read and learn how to apply what they have
learned. These readings and conversations should be carried out on a
regular basis because without consistency it is difficult to achieve
lasting results.
Difficulties
One
of the main contemporary problems is the preservation of the family.
When families split, the whole society disintegrates. The statistics
regarding the number of divorces and crimes among young people are
alarming. What are the reasons for this social crisis? We think that
the main reasons are the weakening of faith in God and the straying
from Christian moral principles.
In order to preserve the family and to bring up
children properly, it is imperative for parents to build the family on
a Christian foundation. God and the salvation of the soul must take first place, and material goods second.
Of course, this is not easily achieved in the present conditions of a
sped-up pace of life and growing economic difficulties. If some years
ago a typical family could exist on the earnings of one working person,
usually the father, today it becomes necessary for both spouses to
work. Thus parents become overworked and too busy to spend time with
their little ones. When children feel lonely, they start meeting with
neighbors and friends, who may be undesirable companions from a
Christian standpoint. Sometimes tired and nervous parents start to
quarrel between themselves, raise their voices and even insult each
other. This creates an unhealthy atmosphere at home, which harms the
spiritual development of the children.
In order to avoid this situation, it is necessary for parents to slow down
their lives. It is preferable to lead a more modest life than to strive
for an abundance with bitterness and disagreements. According to
statistics, persisting economic problems and the pursuit of wealth
often lead to divorce. Common prayer with children (to be said in the
morning and evening) helps parents to find a balance in their everyday
cares and draws God's help to them.
Of course errors and misunderstandings are
inevitable even in the healthiest and most religious family. Spouses
must resolve their problems in frank and friendly discussions. It is
good to adopt the rule of having amicable discussions of common
concerns on a regular basis, supplementing them with prayer and the
reading of Holy Scripture. This will attract Divine guidance and help.
Both parents should learn to listen patiently to each other's arguments
and to respect each other. Never should one raise one's voice, insult
or abase another - especially in the presence of children. One must ask
forgiveness before going to bed, even when one feels he or she is in
the right. The Apostle Paul instructs spouses: "When angry, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil"
(Eph. 4:26). If a couple neglects this advice, anger will accumulate
more and more in their subconscious, and they will gradually become
alienated from one another.
Parents must pay attention to what constitutes home entertainment, namely television and music,
which have such a strong influence on children. Television would be an
excellent invention if suitable programs were selected and it were used
in moderation. In practice, television has an adverse effect on
children. Occupying the most preeminent place in the home, like an idol
in a pagan family, it not only devours a lot of time but also
habituates children to a passive diversion of no educational value.
Many studies report that TV programs as a rule are permeated with
violence, triviality and even profanity. This is the most dangerous
form of pollution. Besides, children who spend much of their time
watching television have a poor learning record. They become wilful,
rude and begin to manifest objectionable behavior early.
It has also been noted that television has a
hypnotic and obsessive effect. People who regularly watch TV develop
such a passionate fondness for it that they can no longer live without
it. In this regard it becomes similar to the habit of smoking or
drinking. Television gradually takes away any desire to read, meditate,
pray or do something worthwhile. Therefore, parents who, for the sake
of their children, abstain from acquiring a television or keep it under
strict control, do the right thing.
Music, as all art, should bring out in an
individual elevated and noble feelings. There is a broad selection of
good classical and folk music. Unfortunately, one cannot say the same
about contemporary music, such as rock-and-roll or "heavy metal," which
brings out in the listeners stormy, erotic and wicked feelings. Some of
these contemporary songs even contain anti-religious and occult
language. Christian parents have the responsibility to protect their
children from such pollution.
It may seem to some parents that many of the
self-limitations imposed by our faith are too severe and unnecessary in
our days. But they must remember the words of the Gospel regarding the
perils of a wide road, followed by the majority, and of the narrow road
leading to salvation. In these pre-antichrist times, Christians should
realize that the world is wrapped in evil, and that, as Jesus said, the
"prince of this world - is the devil" (1 Jn. 5:19; Jn. 12:31, 14:30).
Some families suffer from a halfhearted and
superficial approach toward Orthodoxy. For instance, in
pre-revolutionary Russia, many people, especially the intelligentsia,
were mindful of church only during great feasts and main family events,
like baptisms, weddings, and funerals. The remainder of their lives
passed without any relation to the Church or attention to its
requirements. It is natural that these people, who had such a scornful
attitude toward their faith, passed it on to their children. That is
probably why the Russian revolution took such monstrous dimensions, and
why Christians were so passive during the destruction of churches, the
extermination of relics and the persecution of the clergy.
The struggles and difficulties that parents go
through in the upbringing of their children have a positive aspect.
Striving to direct their children to the righteous path, they
simultaneously strengthen their own faith and grow spiritually.
According to the Creator's plan, this is the very object of the family.
To teach others we have to learn first, and by saving others we save
ourselves. When parents, realizing their ineptness and weakness in the
task of bringing up their children, turn to God for guidance and help,
God truly assists them, and family life flows safely under the shelter
of the Almighty.
Conclusion
Thus,
within the family, a person receives the foundation of faith, moral
direction and the sense of duty. From the first days of his cognizant
life, the new member of the family learns to appreciate the care and
love of his parents. Hard work and even a kind of austerity are useful
ingredients to a family's environment: they strengthen the children's
characters, accustom them to work, and confer a sober outlook on life.
The family is the guardian and disseminator of Christian tradition.
Here a child receives his first spiritual impressions. Here is laid the
foundation of faith, prayer and good deeds.
Child psychology teaches that toward the third year
a child starts to realize his individuality and begins to say "I." At
this time parents should start to train him to be obedient. During the
first several years of his life a child acquires approximately one
third of the notions of an adult. After this, a person mostly broadens
and deepens that which was imprinted on his soul during childhood.
From infancy, a child must learn what is
permissible and what is not. This knowledge should be imparted to him
not abstractly, but by putting it on a religious foundation - on faith
in God and our relationship with Him - with love, thankfulness, and
hope in His help. The notion of right and wrong gives a child a sense
of responsibility. Now he realizes that any bad behavior breaches not
only the demands of his parents, but also the natural order directed by
God, Who may punish him for disobedience.
Simultaneously, parents should give to their child an example of Christian life.
If they try only to stuff his head with dry rules, he will regard them
as useless theories. A good example has a determining role in a child's
development. To this end, all the members of a family must strive to
respect and love each other, to pray together, discuss religious
topics, attend Church, take Communion often, observe fast days, and
help the needy.
Failure in a child's upbringing may evolve from the
parents' weak faith and engrossment in the material side of life. It
may come also from their irritability and anger, which in turn are the
results of selfishness and a lack of discipline. The irritability of
parents summons a responding irritability in children.
Children must be protected from temptations, which
usually seep into them through television and voluptuous music. If the
parents insist on having a television in their home, they must restrict
the amount of time they spend in front of the TV and also check the
contents of what they watch.
It is crucial to remember that good results in rearing children are unachievable without a religious environment at home.
The Church with its instructions, prayers and sacraments can only help
parents in the process, and so mothers and fathers must strive to have
the grace of the Lord in their home. This grace will guide and save
their whole family.
A prayer for our children
O
Lord, Our Heavenly Father, have mercy on our children (names), for whom
we humbly beg You, and whom we entrust to Your care and protection.
Instill in them the true faith, teach them to be reverent before You
and deign them to love You dearly, our Creator and Savior. Direct them
to righteousness, so that they do everything to Your glory. Teach them
to lead a pious and virtuous life, to be good Christians and worthy
people. Give them spiritual and physical health and success in their
endeavors. Protect them from the wily snares of the devil, from many
temptations, from bad passions and from all godless and disorderly
people. For the sake of Your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, through the
prayers of His most Holy Mother and all the saints, bring them toward
Your calm refuge and Your everlasting Kingdom, so that they, with all
the saved, forever thank You with Your only begotten Son and Your
life-giving Spirit. Amen.
